I have no idea what I’m going to type today. We’ll see how it goes. Right now, and seemingly every day, I’m at an impasse about how to proceed. I know what I have to do, but the anxiety over potentially greater anxiety has me at a stand still. I know that I have to sell or store my stuff in my house, but I can’t seem to instill enough urgency in my brain in order to do it. I am really dragging my feet about it. The excuses such as being too tired, stress, potential stress and anything else that I can possibly think about just to avoid feeling the fear is like cement in my mind.
I still have the pets to re-home. I still have a pick-up to repair, a van to get ready for the lifestyle, furniture and appliances to get rid of, and a host of other preparations to make. One would think that this would be motivation to get my ass moving on all of it, but my mind just won’t switch into fight or flight mode in order to get it done. Do I just not care what will happen until it’s actually happening?
I seem to be getting in the swing of things at my job, but I am fearing the interruptions that are going to occur, but don’t know when, is going to throw everything asunder.
So what is there to do? Create a plan, spend an inordinate amount of time on my plan, only to not follow it, or having anxiety that it isn’t the perfect plan; that I’m going to make mistakes; that I’m going to fuck something up so badly that I won’t be able to recover from it. Come to think of it, I appear to here now. I’m making 70% less than a was just two years ago, I’ve claimed bankruptcy, I’m losing my house, I’m losing my pets, my wife, most of my belongings, and it’s not even due to a drug problem.
Also, as usual, I’m mostly alone to deal with it. It makes me sad and even more anxious because I have nobody to help me or provide some kind of reality check on things. It’s funny because the other day, I told someone about what I was going through, including the bankruptcy, but the only thing relayed was concern about the pets. Do I not matter at all?
My wife says that she is going to help, but as usual with any of her promises, she never follows through. The other day, I helped her get her passport, including filling out the paperwork, compiling the IDs, educating her about all of the procedures, but did she bother to tell me that she got the passport, or thank me? Of course not.
Today, I’m just tired of people not giving a modicum of respect. I’m just someone to be used and forgotten about until the next time that I am needed. The moment that I need help, nobody gives a damn. I just feel so alone.
Anyway, sorry for the crappy post, but I needed to vent here because nobody else seems to be listening. If you made it this far, I’m sorry. Perhaps I’ll have better material another day.
Realivanation 