Here I am, a week into willful unemployment. I’m starting to feel the delayed way to get my day going, but still have the motivation to get everything ready for my adventure to parts known and unknown. It’s also been about a week or so since I’ve taken any kratom. As a result, the old feelings of mental paralysis are starting to set in again. The best way that I can describe it is knowing the logical need to physically move forward to do what needs to be done, but not engaging my body to make it happen. Eventually, I psyche myself enough to make the physical movements.
It doesn’t just happen for anything that is fear-producing either, although my mind begs to differ. It’s just moving my legs to get into the shower. It’s standing up to get out of the car. I’m sure it’s psychological, but it does happen and is happening more frequently this week. I did notice that it wasn’t happening when I was taking kratom, even on a irregular basis. From the dosages and frequency that others have taken this medication, mine were extremely infrequent although the dosage frequency was slowly increasing. I suppose it does depend on why you’re taking it. For instance, taking it for chronic physical pain is a much different reason than taking it as needed for anxiety.
Does this mean that I want to continue taking kratom? I have gotten through 48 years of my life without it, but at the beginning it was working well for abating anxiety as well as providing motivation. Now, I’m not sure if it’s going to continue to do that. It’s like the benefit faded over time, but left the more negative traits. It would feel like I would be chasing what once was, which speaks for lots of other situations in life as well.
I have heard that changing the strain for a time, e.g., a green one for a red or a white, will curb negative traits as well as any problems with increasing dosages for beginning effects. I’m not sure if I want to go down that road either. While I don’t want to keep suffering, I don’t want to start worshipping at the alter of a substance, however legal.
At this point, I’m going to continue to not take it. I will start exercising more and going to the gym, since I’m paying for a membership already.
I remember after my second divorce, that I started doing P90X, which kicked my ass. I only did it for 30 days, but the results were incredible. I wonder if I can bring my laptop into the gym to try it again, or just take the book and do the moves there.
There is a physical test whereby if you fail, they don’t recommend the course. I passed it the first time, but failed it a number of years later when I wanted to try it again. I purchased the Power90 course as an alternative, but I didn’t stick with it. I’ll see what I can do this time.
Moving and Selling
In other news, I’ve sold my fridge, stove and dishwasher. I have so much more to sell before I go. I was selling my generator, but an incredibly pushy person caused me to delist it. He was wanting to be FB friends, wanted my phone number, asked for a much lower price, but was still indecisive. I just had to block him because I had a bad vibe from it. Perhaps I’ll repost it, but I just can’t deal with people like that.
My pickup, after I finally replaced the clutch hydraulic line, will not start. I charged the battery, but it will not even turn over, but has full battery. I’m suspecting there is a clutch switch that is the culprit. The connections are corroded, but I wonder if I can just bypasss it altogether. We’ll see what I can do, but if I can’t fix it, I’ll sell it as-is, but I will get much less if it doesn’t start.
Tires
Congratulations to my van. I finally broke down and bought new tires after not being able to find decent used ones in my size on FB Marketplace and elsewhere. I decided to buy them at Walmart because the online price was good at only $79 per tire. They are also heavy load tires, which may be beneficial.
The weird thing is that they couldn’t get the spare off of the rear rack as its square hole was hollowed out and allowed the bolt to spin. Since the bolt was rounded, nothing could be done to secure it. After trying a sawzall, a hammer and a chisel, I finally had to purchase a nut splitter to break it. I still have to follow it up with the sledgehammer and chisel, but it’s off.
The folks were nice though. They quickly swapped the four tires. I seriously don’t know why they couldn’t do crack the nut other than their stated “liability” reasons. What recourse would someone have if they weren’t mechanically inclined?
Other mods
I recently put up some thin plywood sheets over the rear side picture windows with reflectix between them. There is a gap of a couple of inches between the window and the reflectix. I only covered the top window, but left a reflectix flap to allow access to the small rectangular screened window on each side. With the semi-translucent blind sandwiched in the middle, you can’t immediately tell there is reflectix there.
The benefits are: more flat space to put things, no more fumbling with the reflectix to ensure no light escapes at night, and flap allows a screened breeze when I’m sleeping.
Well, this blog entry is pretty overfilled. I hope you appreciate the rambling. Thanks for reading.