The slow sort

Here I am slowly sorting my stuff into keep, sell and leave categories. I fear most of the items are going to be in the leave category because I just won’t be able to sell what I want. My wife was able to grab some things. Ironically, it was the day after my recent blog post on the subject. There are other details about this which I won’t write about here. I want to make sure anything said is not just a whim or a boomerang into previous sentiments.

Regarding the sorting thus far, there is no way that I’m going to be able to fit everything in the van unless I sleep outside of it. I figured that I’ll start with a larger pile and refine the keep section after everything has been divided. I’m going to have to consult a couple of books on the subject for some concrete standards though.

Bailey

Based on the most recent pic post, Bailey finally has a new home with a loving family of three boys. There is another dog and they seem to get along very well together. I am sad about it, but I’m happy that she has a home. She appeared to quickly acclimate to them, so I’m quite happy about that.

On the flip side, I’m amazed about how quiet the house has become. I actually have a moment to think without being interrupted by the various whims of the dog. I almost want to go back into the house to sleep. Part of the problems with Bailey was in keeping me up at night plus the countless interruptions to my thoughts as well as work (when I was working from home). One of my problems is the jarring feeling whenever something breaks my concentration. It’s very difficult for me to get back on-task. It’s also the reason why I could not do computer programming any longer. Perhaps it will get better now? I can’t say.

I have been getting more reacquainted with Otis during this post-Bailey period. I did make a conscious effort to not allow him to be drowned out due to the incessant needs of the dog because she had been very competitive for attention.

I think that I am going to be leaving by the end of next week based on when they’re going to shut the electricity off. I’m going to do what I can to drain the water from all the lines and prevent water damage. I know that it’s been 90º for most of October, but we never know when this will change. Sometimes, the change can be quite drastic. We’ll see how things turn out.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

Bailey got a new family just in time!

Alone

Today was a hard day, but it was only one of an increasing amount of them. It’s the worst feeling to face total failure in everything; a total failure that few notice or acknowledge. It’s a life that only exists as a mere blip on everyone else’s life, but that consumes mine. It’s these times that I need help, but I can’t ask. I can’t ask because nobody is around to help. I don’t make friends easily if at all because of my terrible anxiety, so I have to face every crisis alone. It seems that I always have to face everything alone, whether they be successes or failures. I know that these are “all-or-nothing” statements, but it’s how I feel. This has been incredibly hard on me, especially today.

It also doesn’t help that the one person who makes a vow flies the coup whenever life stops revolving around her and you try to rely on her for emotional support. The lack of reciprocity is astounding. I’m still angry at times about it, even after years of being separated, sorted, used and discarded. Nobody wants to hear about these problems though. I’m just not that important.

In other news, I have a pickup that I can’t get started after putting in a clutch line. I just don’t have the time, money or expertise to fix it, so I’m going to have to sell it for scrap. I’ll be lucky to get $50. Before the line blew, I counted on getting much more.

As it stands, I have a whole house of furniture to sell, but after most of the appliances sold, nobody seems to be interested in anything else. I may just wind up abandoning it or pawning what I can. My wife has stuff here, but she seems uninterested in picking it up despite my numerous requests that she do so. Some of these things are sentimental photos from her family. If she doesn’t respond soon, I’ll just make arrangements with her family to get them.

The worst of it is not being able to home Bailey yet. I may have to send him to the pound, but I really don’t want to do it. Other than that constant need for attention, she really is a good dog. Someone with a large yard would be very happy with her. She is really the main reason why I haven’t left yet.

Sorry for the drama and the scattered format, but this is the only outlet to get this across. Thanks for reading.

The emptier kitchen

In two days of listing items to the FB Marketplace, I sold my stove and fridge. I also quit my job. I just missed three days over anxiety and another day to facilitate the fridge purchase. I’m just tired of waiting for things to settle down. Time is moving too quickly for me to just spend my time counting the hours waiting for the this-then-that.

I have been previously hemming and hawing about having the motivation to sell all this crap. Now, I have it.

The kitchen is emptier, but still looks lived in. I’m not devastated about it. I knew this was coming.

Also, I’ve nearly completed the clutch hydraulic line replacement in the pickup. I still have to bleed it though. Unfortunately, my battery is dead. Thus, I am charging it for a few hours after I refilled its reservoirs. We’ll see how it goes then.

I still have a lot of things to sell, but it’s been good so far.

Now that I no longer have a stove or fridge, I have moved my portable butane stove into the kitchen. I moved everything that I could into either the 12v fridge, the back freezer, or the trash. Much of this stuff I wasn’t planning to use. It was just taking up space.

The leaks

The work that I performed on the front glass seal a couple of weeks ago doesn’t appear to be keeping all of the water out. However, I now appear to see where it’s coming in as well as its path to beneath my dashboard. There is also a leak near my roof vent fan, it it appears to be after the fan towards the back. The fan’s location is where it is coming out. There is another leak toward the front where I previously performed a bondo repair on the roof. I’ll have to figure all of these out.

Fortunately, I placed a Zip-loc bag around the previously soaked circuit boards. Water did splash onto the bag, so it actually prevented a mechanical relapse.

Plans

I’ll be purchasing new tires for the van. It may also need brake work. Otherwise, it seems to run okay. It will need an oil change soon, so I’ll get to that.

Until I leave, I’m going to sell as much as I can, including the S10 pickup. Whatever I can’t sell, I can’t. I’m going to have to do something about Bailey, but it’s going to be hard no matter what I do. I will most likely be headed east to drop off lots of stuff (mostly tools and valuables).

From there, I’ll have to get another job.

The changing face of kratom

I’ve been periodically taking kratom since I began this blog to help with my anxiety. Initially, I sung its praises as better than anything else that I’ve tried, including prescription solutions that always had negative side-effects that were too much to bear over time.

Yesterday, I was feeling incredibly anxious and sensitive to noises from my dog. It was about an hour and a ½ from having to go into work. I was at the point that I was too anxious to go into work, so I shook some up with some orange juice. I didn’t take too much, about the same amount that I usually take, but perhaps slightly more than usual. My best guess for the dosage was approximately 1/4 teaspoon plus half of that, so…3/8 teaspoon?

After about 30 minutes, I was calmer, but I also noticed that I was too calm. Based on how I felt after a long period of time, I felt that I was actually high. This is the first time that I actually felt this effect from it, which was a mildly spacey feeling. It was a correspondingly different condition that than the one I took it for, but produced the same result of making me unsuitable for work. My gout was acting up as well, but I could have dealt with that as long as I could drive. I wound up calling in absent to work because I didn’t want to go into work this way.

As the late morning progressed and some of the previous effects wore off, my mood changed again once there was some sort of conflict or displeasure. I decided to head to a certain lake in Ohio to go swimming for the first and probably only time this summer. Technically, it was my first pleasure trip in the van that was over 30 minutes to the destination. When I was on the road, I actually got really agitated by the other drivers who were cutting me off even while I was going about 5-10 MPH over the limit, or stopping short, etc. It certainly wasn’t to the point of reacting in a road-rage sense, but I was really upset. Now, I’ve been frustrated before and gotten upset, but it felt different. I don’t want to say, “disassociation”, but was it? Is that even the term to describe it?

Because of these two events, I’m concerned. Firstly, I took off work because of the negative effects of a self-prescribed medication. How is this different than someone not going into work because they needed a drug fix? This is not something that I want to repeat. Secondly, did I subconsciously give myself a reason to not go into work because I really didn’t want to go? This is also bad.

Today, I was also very anxious that I couldn’t go into work. However, I didn’t take any kratom. I can’t start getting in the habit of needing to take it everyday and every time that I’m anxious. That’s a sure recipe for addiction and dependence. Is this starting to creep up on me? I really don’t want that to start happening.

I have started to take it more frequently. It has increased to twice a week for the last couple of weeks. I had been previously taking it once every 1-2 weeks. However, I have been feeling anxious more frequently lately. Is this powder feeding the anxiety and I don’t know it? Are any of my questions pertinent?

As it stands now, I’m alone except for the pets. Every time I think about the fate of the pets, I get a little overwhelmed. Bailey is a good dog except that I’m extremely sensitive to her occasional high-pitched noises, and she is very needy. I’ve been taking her on more walks in the mornings now that I have a later schedule at work (for as long as that lasts). I absolutely cannot bring her along in the van. I’m not even sure that I can bring along Otis. I need to find a home for her, and possibly Otis. I feel heartbroken and guilty and I can’t continue to take care of them. Right now, I’m having trouble taking care of myself. I don’t know what to do.

I feel that I should just resign, sell everything that I can and abandon the rest, but I can’t bring myself to send Bailey to the pound. Someone would love this dog, but I can’t find anyone to take her.

For the record, the trip yesterday was great. I was able to swim although the water was pretty murky. I read for a bit, then read some more outside in the shade of my van. I brought along my guitar and played for a bit, had some roast beef and provolone on rye with Dijon mustard. It was nice to not have to be interrupted. Also, my phone had no service, but that was a plus.

So, I’m trying to decide what to do. Should I rent a trailer, load it with what I can’t do without and ask my mom to store it? I really don’t want to pay for a storage locker.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write right now. I hope that I have a clearer head later. Have a great day. Thanks for reading.

Bats!

“Shit,” I said when I heard the tell-tale clicking which was quickly met with my eyes glancing at the bat flying near the edge of my coffered ceiling. The dog was calm yet had a puzzled look on her face. The cat, at least initially, was positioned on the lower shelf of the coffee table, keeping watch.

I, on the other hand, am freaking out just a bit while holding my hand above my head looking for an alternate room where the bat isn’t. I initially run outside the front door sans glasses and shoes. I stand for a minute thinking about what to do; thinking about the pets and what could happen. I then make it back inside slowly. I hear the clicking. I look to see where the pets are looking. Making my way through the back of the house and into the kitchen, I find a broom and hold it upside down to protect me from the bat accidentally flying at my head. Fortunately, his echolocation senses noticed me and didn’t enter the kitchen.

I’ve been through this before when I first bought the house, so I know a little about what to expect. The first time I had this experience, I was ironically watching a Black Sabbath documentary. This time, I was watching the latest episode of Live Work Wander, which is a bit less ironic. I also recall that we legally had to put up with it for most of the summer until their nesting season ended. I have captured some in the past and relocated them in Devou Park. Good times.

So, as it turns out, there are two bats flying around my living room, presumably trying to get out. I open a window to try to assist when they’re not flying around, but they don’t seem to take the option (one eventually does because I don’t see him anymore).

Meanwhile, Otis is swatting at the bats trying to bring them down. He succeeds in nabbing one of them, but it regained the air after being momentarily stunned. So, after the remaining bat settled down in an upside down position while clinging to a piece of moulding along the stairs, I let him be. The guilt, though, of leaving it with the pets around was awful. Bats are a lot more energetic at night and correspondingly more lethargic during the day. I figured that my best opportunity for capturing it would be during the day. Otherwise, he would start flying around the room again, potentially biting me or one of the other animals.

The last time I had a bat infestation, it cost me over $700. Not only do I not have that, but this house that was once mine, isn’t anymore. I’m just living in it until they kick me out or I’m ready to leave. I don’t want the pets to get hurt though a bite, so I still have to do something.

After coffee this morning, I grabbed a green tote with a cover along with the broom from earlier, and knocked it into the tote, and then closed the cover. Unfortunately, I did not have time to transport him to my typical location for his relocation, but left him in the tote. I’ll do something this evening when I get off work. He should be fine until then.

UPDATE

The bat has been freed. He was quite alive inside the container. It took a little jostling to get him to realize he could fly out of the box.

Gandalf The Gray (and White)

He was initially a shy cat and continued to be. He was playful and continues to be playful. He loved to be petted on his head and continues to want this. He was the bat-hunting apprentice of Otis who almost never got the opportunity. His gray and white fur beckons his name. He’s the wizard of domestic catdom who arrives precisely when he intends.

I’m writing about Gandalf because I had to re-home him yesterday and I’m sad about it. His spritely, playful manner combined with his demure requests for affection while I’m on the toilet will be missed.

When he had the full run of the house, he was more confident. He and Otis were at the point of being bullies to my little dog Ching, who never fought back to their bats on his head.

As part of respites from the indoors, I even let the cats out in the yard while I served as backyard pet warden.

When Bailey made her unplanned appearance, she was very much playfully aggressive. While Otis held his own and didn’t take her crap, Gandalf couldn’t do that. For the remainder of his time here, he sequestered himself to the safety of the upstairs; only coming down when she was out in the yard. Through food sharing therapy, I was able to get them to better tolerate each other, but unless I kept that up every day, the behaviors would eventually revert, at least to a degree.

Since all of the events that have happened, it was better for him to have a new home instead of being forced to put him in a pound where he may not have as great of a fate. I’m really going to miss him, but I’m glad someone else will enjoy his company.

Here it comes

Well, here it comes. I received notification that my bankruptcy has been discharged. I sensed it was coming soon, but I really didn’t know when. This means that I’m going to have to sell and donate things like mad before the house is sold. Additionally, I have a truck to repair and sell, my own van to put into minimum operational and livable order, and my remaining pets to re-home.

I can’t put them in the pound, so I have to find a home for them. I considered keeping Otis in the van, but on lunch break today, the interior was 110ºF (43ºC). Unless I had the fan running all day, every day, he wouldn’t survive.

I put out inquiries about buying my appliances to a couple of stores, but I haven’t heard back from any of them. They’re in great shape, so they’re missing out.

My next task, after fixing the pick-up, is to get a storage unit for some things; especially if my appliances don’t sell.

I’ve also finally signed up for a gym membership so that I can shower. Also, I’ve gotten a little fat over the past two years after my marriage took a dump. I have to fix this.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I have to do it anyway. The next few months are not going to be a good time for me.

Ching-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding

The title words is the jingle that my pet will never hear again as he passed away on Friday. He lived a long time for a dog as he was 16 years old.

The story of Ching, whom I didn’t name, is a mildly interesting one. He was just hanging out on my porch when I came home from lunch. His fur was so matted like he’d been on his own for quite awhile. He was so friendly and had so much energy. I petted him for a bit. I don’t recall if I gave him some water, but I usually do things like that, so it probably happened. Afterward, he saw some people walking down the street and began following them. I figured that he knew them, so I said, “See ya later.”

From there, I went back to work at my home office. Later, I hear this high-pitched barking that just would not stop. I went downstairs, attempting to locate the source of the sound. As I turned the corner to the side yard, I found the little pekingese-mix dog laying against the fence. Since he returned, I led him around the house to my crapé room (foyer) to water him and get him out of the elements. I remember it being very hot that day, but he was too flea-infested and matted to let him into the house.

Upon examining his collar, it listed his name as Ching along with a number having a 513 area code on it. I thought that was quite a strange name. It was certainly something that I would not have thought of. However, he responded to it, and as it turned out, we can make all kinds of jingles with it to call him. Hits such as Ching-ching-ching…ching of fools, Ching-a-ling-a-ling-a-ding-dong-ding, Ching-Ching, ka-Ching, etc were quite fun to create.

Since he must belong to somebody else. I tried the number listed on the tag, but it was disconnected. To further track down the owner, we took him to a vet where the chip revealed his age, the pet store from where he was originally purchased, and that he was not a purebred. Unfortunately, the owner never registered the chip with their information. This left us to put signs up around the neighborhood, but nobody responded. At this point, we decided to keep him. Based on photo identification on various dog websites, I think he was a mix between a Pekingese and a Japanese Chin.

He was really quite a cute dog with lots of energy. He hated vacuum cleaners so much that he would defiantly stand in front of them like it was a tank in Tiananmen Square. I suppose that he wanted to protect the carpets from being cleaned. His other passion was his “girlfriend,” which was his slightly larger-than-him stuffed animal with whom he liked to have carnal relations when he got anxious. Of course, the vacuum cleaner being ran was one of those times; going to it when his act of bravery failed to stop the Dyson tank. We actually named the stuffed animals he would ultimately court, but I don’t remember what we named any of them.

Ching was mostly a good dog during his stay with us. It was only during the last year that he slowed down a lot. I also thought he was getting more blind. For the past few months, I had to carry him outside for his bathroom trips and he slept a lot. Of course, no matter who went outside or in, he always wanted a treat of some sort. I miss him already.

General updates, yada, yada

Today, I wish to write about very general things. It’s likely that this post will change a lot as I write it.

Bluetooth Keyboard

On a whim, I went out to Walmart to purchase some RV-related things that I thought that I would need. While I did purchase stuff, I’m unsure if I actually needed them; at least right away. One of the impulsive purchases was a miniature, foldable Bluetooth keyboard. It took a small bit of convincing in my own mind to purchase it, but I took the plunge. Many times, I’m discouraged from writing a blog entry for a couple of reasons. One, I don’t have internet at home. I stopped service over a year ago to cut costs. Being unemployed will cause you to do that. Since the speed of my phone’s internet is plenty fast for most of my usage, I just didn’t need it anymore. Of course, I have all of this extra equipment such as two Apple wi-fi routers, internet switches, power line adapters and other ancillary items that I need to get rid of, but it’s all for the best.

Another reason which prompted its purchase is linked to the previous one. When I needed the internet, I would have to break out the laptop to write the post. From there, I would have to hook up a hotspot or go to Starbucks, upload the words, transfer photos I’ve taken on the phone over to the computer in addition to other tasks which I really can’t remember right now.

In my world, at least, it was a bit of a bother. Also, I either couldn’t use the Mac’s WordPress app offline or it would require an update which would take forever. The delay makes it more cumbersome and, thus, hampers the creative process.

From the phone’s perspective, while the WordPress app works great, I’m not really a fan of using the virtual keyboard for extended writing. Therefore, combining both worlds, i.e., the phone’s capabilities, an iPhone 7 Plus, and this handy, dandy Bluetooth keyboard, would remove some disincentives for writing. So far, as I’m typing this post using this setup, it’s working pretty well. I’ve also been pretty accurate. While using the keyboard this way, the predictive text does not appear, but it will offer occasional spelling corrections. Sometimes, it will auto-correct words, which can be really annoying when it’s not intended.

Mood and thoughts

As you may have figured out from my last post, I’ve been feeling rather down lately. There was a few items that have been bothering me as well as existing battles with my various idiosyncrasies and deficiencies. I was surprised that it was liked by a number of you. It is a lot of drama, that’s for sure, but it is real. I’m glad that you could get whatever value you could get from it, even if it’s just exposure to some of my perspective on that day or what I’m currently facing. I do realize that while emotions are real, they sometimes paint the proverbial picture using a gray-tone pallete.

I’ve also been attempting to avoid using kratom as a crutch when I’m just feeling down. I realize that doing so will definitely lead to addiction. The last few times that I’ve used it, I think that I used too much. I say this because it has made me tired and a little too sedate. Today, I’ve cut my amount in half; from ½ to ¼ teaspoon mixed with my usual hot chocolate. I wasn’t too happy drinking hot chocolate with today’s high hitting 95ºF(35ºC), but I did it. For the record, I’m not too happy tasting kratom either because it’s absolutely horrible. If someone could create a kratom-masking cookbook, many would buy it, I’m sure.

In any case, I was feeling really overwhelmed about all of the things that I still need to do. After drinking it, it appeared to help my mood and expose some hidden motivation. Although, I’m not sure if it gave me motivation or just helped me to feel better about sitting in shit. Now that I think about it, I did put some items up for sale online, so there’s that. I wasn’t doing anything before.

Battery Usage

As I’ve been sleeping in the van more often, even if in my own driveway, I’ve been using more of the solar system supply. This includes the fridge, vent fan and lights. I also use the USB outlets to charge various accessories which include the Bluetooth speaker, portable fan, air filter, and iPhone. Right now, I have used about 50% of the battery’s power. While it has taken a couple of days to get to this point, it is also taking a while to load back to capacity. I am concerned, based on others’ advice on social media, that this is going to have an negative effect on long-term battery life. While I’m not using this amount in one day, if it’s partly cloudy, rainy, or there is some occlusion on the solar panel, it will affect how quickly the battery charges. I had understood that if the battery exists in a constant state of not being fully charged or if it repeatedly falls below 50% of the battery’s capacity, it will severely shorten its lifespan.

To counteract this immediately, I may have to hook the house battery to my electric battery charger. For a longer-term solution, I intend to complete my installation of a continuous-duty solenoid. I first saw this idea from the CheapRVLiving channel on YouTube. This will allow my house battery to charge using my engine’s alternator when I’m driving. When the engine is not running, it will automatically separate the two systems, thereby preventing any house usage from depleting the starting battery.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the funds to buy the 4AWG wire, crimp connectors, crimper, and other items to complete the job. I have installed the solenoid inside the engine bay, purchased the 150A fuse assembly, but haven’t hooked up any wires yet. I also need tires, shocks, and brakes. I really need to prioritize saving money for these items, but my existing neurosis and impulse control is getting in the way.

Pets

If anyone would care to adopt a cat or a dog, it would really help them out. I would love to keep at least one cat, but I don’t think that I can keep it comfortable enough for him to live. My wife won’t take any of the four animals: two dogs and two cats. However, one of her friends is going to take one of the dogs. I’ll post pictures below.